A VAMPIRE PERSPECTIVE


Every Friday, this blog will re-post a letter to the editor of the “Crest Top Chronicle” newspaper, to provide a platform for voices from the community concerning some of the real issues raised by the short film “Dead Votes Society.” This week: vampire activist Isabella Barlow.

            OK, so this is like what I don’t get. All these zombies- and all the breathers out there advocating for zombies- are moaning and groaning (literally) about how zombies don’t have the right to vote. Boo-freakin’-hoo. I mean, hello, we vampires can’t vote either, and you don’t hear us complaining about it. I myself have resided in America since the end of the Civil War, but just because I didn’t have the good fortune to have died here, I am not considered a citizen. There are literally dozens of others like me out there, our plight all but ignored while the stupid zombies get all the attention. Nobody’s asking to see their death certificates. And nobody’s spraying holy water in their faces when they gather to protest, either. But again, you don’t hear us complaining.

            And it’s not like there’s any shortage of issues that are important to us. Like take just for example the blood that’s running through your veins. It’s not like you earned that. You were born with it. Vampires should be entitled to a fair redistribution of inherited sanguinary wealth. But we’re not likely to receive our fair share of this nation’s hemo-resources if we’re not allowed a voice in government.

            Vampires are for a strict separation of church and state – let’s keep crucifixes out of all buildings, thank you. We’re for comprehensive food labeling laws- we have a right to know if our food was processed in a plant where it might have come into contact with garlic. We’re for marriage equality (most vampires are bisexual at the very least,) we’re for environmental concerns (global warming means a lot more sunlight) and we’re for strict dress codes at the nation’s nightclubs. And what’s stopping us from achieving these goals? That’s right. Corporate America, man. F****n’ corporate America and the brainless consumer support system they’d receive if zombies are given the vote and we’re not.

            But you don’t hear us complaining about it.

ISABELLA BARLOW was born in a small village in the Carpathian Mountains sometime in the late 18th Century. She spent most of the 20th Century attending high school and has thus far devoted the 21st to protesting outside of various blood banks.  The views expressed here are hers alone and do not reflect those of the administrators of this blog or in fact of anyone, anywhere, ever.