Finding Love in the Zombie Apocalypse


Every Friday, this blog will re-post a letter to the editor of the “Crest Top Chronicle” newspaper, to provide a platform for voices from the community concerning some of the real issues raised by the short film “Dead Votes Society.” This week: local activist Manfred Tungun.

 

         It’s been more than a year now since the dead rose up and took to the streets, driven by their insatiable hunger for human flesh. A year of sometimes horrific violence, of constant danger, as a public health crisis rapidly escalated into a grave threat to the very fabric of our society.

            As if all that wasn’t reason enough to make it the best year of my life, this was also the year I finally found true love.  

            So many apocalypses, and love connections, just didn’t happen. Multiple false alarm Raptures, comets that missed us by that much, the total failure of the Elders of the Trilateral Illuminati to bring off their long-promised global banking endgame, Barack Obama. And, most heartbreaking of all, Y2K. I got my hopes up sky-high with every potential cataclysm, thinking that maybe, at last, I would find someone to share my reinforced underground bunker with. And when these catastrophes fizzled one by one, what did I have to show for it? Dashed dreams of domestic bliss and a heck of lot of canned food.

            Then, just when I was beginning to lose faith, the dead walked. Hallelujah! Now my air and water filtration systems and chemical toilet don’t seem like squirrelly paranoid obsessions anymore. Now they just seem like good, sound investments. (I told you so, Mom.)

            Best of all, the plague finally brought Terry into my loving arms. We’d had a flirtation for years, sure. Dates at the shooting range and such, but it wasn’t until the marauding zombie hordes turned our city into a bloody abattoir that we were finally able to truly consummate our love.

            Before the uprising, people looked at us funny when I brought Terry with me to Dunkin Donuts. Some even called our love unnatural. Now, those same folks take turns buying me coffee. They know that Terry and I are all that stand between them and the slobbering walking corpses that want to eat their brains. Just a man and his one true love, my sleek and beautiful M-4 Carbine Assault Rifle.

            Terry loves it when I caress her trigger. I love the sensual heat coming off her barrel and the almost erotic smell of the powder flash. There’s something deeply, profoundly satisfying about a good solid headshot, too. I tell you what, before zombies came along, there just wasn’t anyone around you could mow down and slaughter without serious legal complications.

            That’s why I say the so-called “apocalypse” is in fact a Godsend. Terry and I have never been happier.

MANFRED TUNGUN is President of the Crest Top NRA chapter, and a Mayoral Candidate for the True Marriage Equality Party, which advocates for the right of individuals to marry firearms. The views expressed here are his alone and do not reflect those of the administrators of this blog or in fact of anyone, anywhere, ever.