HAVE ALL Y’ALL LOST YER DANG MINDS?


Every Friday, this blog will re-post a letter to the editor of the “Crest Top Chronicle” newspaper, to provide a platform for voices from the community concerning some of the real issues raised by the short film “Dead Votes Society.” This week: local ranch matriarch Maisie McAllister.

 

            All right, enough’s enough. I been reading all the back and forth in this here paper for weeks now and I have yet to see anybody express a sentiment containing a lick of sense. Lettin’ zombies vote? What in the name of Juniper Creek are people thinkin’? Zombies smell just as bad as hippies and they’re almost as stupid. And there ain’t nobody fool enough to suggest we let hippies vote. (Not since we put down that Amendment in ’69.)

            Heck, this used to be a halfway decent town to live in before all the walkin’ dead took over. Now first thing I gotta do every morning is grab my shotgun and blast me some zombie brains out. At least two or three a day. Like I ain’t got enough to do around here without that. Otherwise the smelly buggers’ll infest my property, spookin’ the livestock and gettin’ all bitey with the hired help. Plus you would not believe how many of them pus-brained corpses I’ve had to fish outta my cistern. Makes my water taste mighty pungent even iffen I boil it.

            (I don’t want to belabor the comparison, but once again these are many of the same problems I used to have with them dang hippies.)

            And now, insult to injury, I hear they’re fixin’ to put out a movie about this whole zombie voting debate. “Dead Votes Society,” they call it. Well, it just goes to prove that them Hollywood folks are plumb outta good ideas for movies. I don’t get down to the Antelope Theater much anymore since Clark Gable passed, but some nights when I’m soakin’ my feet I do like to watch the satellite, even if most of the stuff on there is about as pointless as a double-decker outhouse. Just the other night I saw some fool thing about a bunch of nine-foot-tall blue hippies that wouldn’t come down outta the trees no matter how much the brave soldier boys shot at ‘em. I don’t know who in their right mind would pay hard-earned money to see such trash, but I’m sure if people like that, they’ll just love this “Dead Votes” thing. Probably make a billion bucks. There just ain’t no accountin’ fer taste no more.

            Anyway, that’s my two cents.

 

MAISIE McALLISTER is a fourth-generation Crest Topper, a direct descendant of pioneer stock. She owns McAllister Ranch, one of the largest cattle operations in Northern Arizona. The views expressed here are hers alone and do not reflect those of the administrators of this blog or in fact of anyone, anywhere, ever.