LIBERALS CAN VOTE, SO WHY NOT ZOMBIES?


Every Friday, this blog will re-post a letter to the editor of the “Crest Top Chronicle” newspaper, to provide a platform for voices from the community concerning some of the real issues raised by the short film “Dead Votes Society.” This week: conservative radio host Roger Schlaumberger.

I would like to relate to you an experience I had this weekend, which I think says quite a lot about the current state of our country. I was attending a party at the house of a friend of a friend. A bare acquaintance, really. I was there for only a few minutes when I realized something very disturbing about the people around me. The suspiciously high number of Priuses parked out front should have been an early warning, and I did notice a conspicuous lack of American flag lapel pins, (heck, these people didn’t even have lapels!) But it wasn’t until I saw the autographed picture of Michael Moore hanging proudly above the recycle bin (!) in the kitchen that I realized the horrible truth.

            Yes, dear readers . . . I was among liberals.

            At first I tried to view this as a rare sociological opportunity to observe these creatures in their natural habitat. I retreated to a corner of the room and inconspicuously listened to their asinine discussions of how global whatever-they’re-calling-it-now caused Hurricane Sandy. I tried to laugh at their naïveté, but was soon overwhelmed by the heady scent of intermingling body oils and the high, sweet smell of drugs, drugs! being smoked in one of the bedrooms. 

            So I’m ashamed to say that instead of enlightening these mental midgets on the real causes of the storm, (God’s punishment for gay marriage, obviously) I just kept my mouth shut and belted back the vodka.  Say what you will about these lefties, sometimes they have pretty decent hooch.

            But then the conversation moved on to a subject about which I simply could not hold my silence. Zombie voting. The latest liberal bug-a-boo. “OMG,” these nitwits exclaimed, “I just can’t believe those mean old conservatives would dare to stand up for the rights of Americans, LOL.” (This is how they actually talk.) That really gets my goat, folks. It underscores the essential hypocrisy of modern liberals. After listening to them whine for years about “voter suppression,” now they want to deny the rights of American’s fastest-growing demographic group. And why? Because zombies have the good sense to mindlessly adhere to a rigid ideology. There’s nothing wrong with a herd mentality when the herd is for lower taxes and less government spending.

            So, liberals, I’ll let you keep your illegal alien vote. I’ll spot you ex-convicts and every false name ACORN can scrounge up. Heck, I’ll even let you keep the “too stoned to find my photo ID” vote. But hands off the zombies. If you can’t handle the collective will of seven million undead Americans, then maybe democracy is not for you. Move to some bleak socialist hellscape like Canada or Sweden.

            I stood up to tell the roomful of pinkos exactly that, but unfortunately the booze and the nauseating presence of practicing feminists had grown too much for me. I opened my mouth to declaim, but ended up vomiting all over my neighbor’s Birkinstocks.

            Come to think of it, though, that was a more eloquent expression of my true feelings than mere words could have ever articulated.

ROGER SCHLAUMBERGER, along with his wife Loni, hosts the popular radio program “I Told You So.” The Schlaumbergers have also authored several books together, including “Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosy,” “Jesus was an American,” and “The War on Error: Fighting for Truth in the Obama-Nation.” The views expressed here are his alone and do not reflect those of the administrators of this blog or in fact of anyone, anywhere, ever.